Snow White and Aladdin: the Real Story
by Allergic-to-Paradox
Summary: A behind the scenes, undercover look at how things work in the Disney versions of Snow White and Aladdin. Have you ever wondered how the Cave of Wonders pierced it's ear? Or why the Evil Queen has skulls in her dungeon? WARNING! Very silly! NOW COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

A/N-- This was just something silly Ana Cardic and I did a few years back, for the sake of my own amusment, I've turned it into a fanfiction .net acceptable story, in two parts. Good for a laugh, if nothing else.

The two characters I put in very different font-ish-things, Ana is in underline, and I am in **bold**. ...just so's ya know.

Cheers! -Allyp

Disclaimer-- I do not own Disney, or Snow White, or Aladdin, or anything to do with either of them, and I am certainly not making any money off of this. My thanks to the people who do actually own these things for letting us do silly tributes to them.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sick of Disney movies with plot points, characters, and random singing that made no sense; Ana Cardic and Allergic to Paradox decided to Do Something. Something, of course, was a telling exposé on some of the more ridiculous bits of two of Disney's most Beloved movies; _Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs_, and _Aladdin_.

Ana cackled as she cracked her knuckles, ready to make her friend dive deep undercover to explain the intricacies and continuity errors in _Snow White_.

Ally-p was standing before her laptop in a gusting wind, in the final scene of the movie. Having lived, snuck and generally poked about through the entire story in her perfect disguise as a cute woodland animal, Ally-p was now ready to tell all she had learned.

Ana settled into her chair and typed the first message. --Ally-p, are you ready?--

The reply appeared on her screen. **--Ready and rarin' to go!--**

With a chuckle, Ana typed the first question, waiting eagerly for the response.

--1. What the heck happened to Snow White's voice in the well scene, and why was it like that from then on? That wiggling ain't nat'ral. --

**--The voice inside the well is actually the REAL Snow White, for the rest of the movie it is a wannabe. You see, the wannabe teamed up with the dove-hyena crossbreeds featured in that scene to throw Snow White down the well. The producers liked the idea of a singing well so much that they continued to film the scene with the real Snow still down there. **

**R.I.P. Snow White **

**died of pneumonia **

**whilst singing in a well**--

Ana shook with laughter as she checked her list for the next question.

--2. Why did the Good King never notice that his wife has this huge skull and evil-book filled office down in the dungeons, when there's this whole staircase and everything leading right to it? --

**--Because pillow talk can make men blind to a surprising number of things before you get rid of them (The men, that is); and Evil Queens seem to be very familiar with this knowledge, or so I've heard from the squirrels. --**

Ana nodded wisely. Those squirrels seemed to know everything. Just goes to show what you can get away with if you are little and fuzzy.

--3. What was the name of the eighth little dwarf again? And why did he run away as a toddler? --

**--Snoopy. Need I say more?**--

--4. What exactly was the queen going to DO with Snow White's heart when she got it?! The stories say that she was going to eat it, but you can't believe everything you read, can you? --

**--She was really going to dry it in a jar of potpourri, string it on a silken rope and hang it above the thrones for that don't-piss-me-of-or-else look that she saw on Martha Stewart.** --

Ana blinked. --Martha Stewart? Are you sure?--

Ally-p shrugged, even though she knew her friend couldn't see her. **--The raven referred to 'The Wicker Queen of Matching Sheet Sets', so I assumed he meant her.--**

"Ahh, that makes sense." Ana thought a moment, then typed in the next question.

--5. Why are there always human skulls in dungeons? --

**--Those are the remains of the said evil person's steamy love affairs, the ones that went 'tragically wrong' and so the lover who pissed off the witch or wizard ended up as said skulls.--**

Ally-p checked her 'Magic Kingdom TV guide'. "Oh, here it is." --**(Tomorrow on Martha Stewart, 'gold-plating those dusty old skulls laying around your dungeon'...) --**

--6. Why did the raven team up with the Evil Witch? I mean, he seems kind of annoying, but coming from the land of Disney's Stereotypical Animals, he seems kind of nice for a Big Evil Bad Guy.--

**--Because the evil queen paid off the gambling debt he owed to the Vulture Mafia. You will notice that when the evil queen goes to get Snow White, the raven does not go with her. That is because the Vulture Don's thugs are waiting outside the castle, because of course the evil queen's agreed payment of three dead cows and a liter of rotten fish never arrived at the Mob's headquarters. As you see, they get payment in the end though. Now isn't that a happy ending?-- **

Ana pursed her lips as she read this. Time for the last question, the question that most fans of the movie wouldn't even have, because the scene of Snow White's mother had been cut from the movie at the last minute; or so she seemed to remember.

--7. Why exactly did Snow White's mother make the connection between red lips and blood so quickly? (I don't know if the blood bit is in the Disney version... it may just be in the story. Knowing Disney, it's probably red as cherries or the happy little top bit of a rainbow or something). --

Ally-p sighed and shook her head. This part had always annoyed her, especially when she had to watch it in the guise of a speckled dove, unable to act, because of her undercover status.

**--Snow White's mother secretly had an obsession with blood and death, why else would she be sewing by an OPEN WINDOW in the WINTER while she was pregnant? Sadly, being as there was no heavy black eyeliner to use, or depressing, angst-ridden music for her to listen to, she had to resort to dramatics, and therefore lost her life.--**

Ana sat back in her chair, satisfied. One of Disney's most famous movies had now been explained, and it was her turn to go undercover. She grabbed her laptop and put on her veil, reading to explore the bizarre and very very strange world that was _Aladdin_.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Next chapter: Ana explores Aladdin!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer--I do not own Aladdin, or Barbie dolls, they are owned by the rich people who own them...whose names I have forgotten at the moment.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ally-p sat before her computer, ready to hear all the dirt on Ana Cardic's latest adventure, deep into the Disney movie _Aladdin_. There were a lot of questions she and other fans had on how things worked exactly in this Agrabah, where everyone spoke American English. While she was contemplating the possibility of a Universal Translator being used in filming, a message popped up on her screen.

--Ready when you are.--

Ally-p grinned and typed back to her friend. **--Let's go then.--**

Ana brushed a speck of sand off of her laptop, waiting for the first question. She was seated on a rooftop in Agrabah, typing by moonlight, while in the background Aladdin and Jasmine soared through the sky on their sickeningly romantic magic carpet ride, singing in unison. As the words appeared on her screen, she grinned. This was one of the big ones, that she'd been sure to check on first thing.

**  
--1. How does Aladdin's hat (fez?) stay on? Glue?--**

--1. Actually, the lice have formed a committee to keep his hat on. Each day, three shifts of lice come and take their turn holding down the fort. --

"Eww," Ally-p laughed, making a face. "Next question."  
**--2. Who pierced the ear of the cave of wonders? (The big cat head). How can you pierce sand?--**

--The Cave of Wonders pierced itself. It was rebelling against its parents. And it went to a doctor who specializes in Unrealistic Disney Animations, who fixed him up with a special cream that would keep the sand from running all over.--

"A doctor who specializes in Unrealistic Disney Animations?" Ally-p repeated.** --Does this doctor fix up Barbies as well?--**

Ana laughed. --I didn't ask. Next question?--

**  
--3. What is the point of Aladdin's and Abu's vests?--**

--To deflect missiles.--

**  
--4. How does Abu's fez stay on? (see question 1)-- **

--Aladdin got bored one day, drilled a hole through the top of his head, and then stuck the fez-on-a-stick into it. It's stayed ever since. Goes along with the Cave of Wonders, really...--

Ally-p grinned and moved on to the questions she was sure many fanfics had mentioned.

**  
--5. Genie dresses as a woman quite a lot in these movies... think about it...--**

--Well, he hasn't come out of the closet about it just yet. Keep it quiet, his dear conservative mother will be heartbroken... let him break the news to her. Gently. And have Prozac on hand.-- 

**  
--6. Why does no one think it odd that Ali Ababwa's elephant wears a vest, a fez and has orange hair?**--

--They just assume he's another psycho tourist who flew straight in from Disneyland.--

**  
--7. Is Jasmine's brain smaller than her waist? What is with all the screaming of "Aladdin!" All the time?--**

--No, her brain is bigger. The part of her brain that is devoted to actually THINKING, however, is roughly the size of a pea.--

**  
--8. Jafar's waist is smaller than Jasmine's...is he wearing a corset??-- **

--Well, see, he and the genie... let's just say that their mothers are going to have to start a support group. But shh, he doesn't think anyone's noticed. (BTW... if you find any pink frilly underthings lying around... do just mail them back to him in a nice, PLAIN brown package, okay?) --

Ally-p cracked up. **--How on earth did you find that out?--**

Ana smirked. --Never doubt the power of a veil and an expensive pair of earrings. Especially after Jasmine pulled that stunt in the beginning of the movie...My room is going on the royal tab as well, actually. Beats being a cute and fuzzy animal for the duration.--

**--Alright, fine! But just because Snow White didn't have the sense to take the family jewels and run to seek her fortune...Hey, that's actually a pretty good idea for a story...--** Ally-p trailed off, lost in thought.

Ana came back from her Writer's Muse Fog slightly before Ally-p** -**-Hello? Agrabah to Ally, time for the next question!**--**

"Er, right."

**  
--9. In one scene Iago has teeth, than in the rest of the movie, he doesn't. What is with this??--**

--Halfway through filming, he became the poster boy for the What Happens to You If You Don't Brush Your Teeth campaign, sponsored by the Arabian Dental Association. The director of the film was NOT too thrilled, but they had some budget issues, and couldn't afford to get him some false ones. Have you noticed that he hasn't been in any films since? Trashed his reputation, that movie did...-- 

**  
--10. Okay, the big one, the question that plagues all Disney movies...When anyone spontaneously bursts into song, they have music playing in the background...Where does it come from?--**

--It's one of the Universal Laws of Musicals and Musical Movies. If, at any time, you spontaneously burst into song, not only will an entire brilliantly-conducted orchestra appear, playing behind walls and things so as not to be seen, but the entire street will hear the song, and know the words and the dance to the song you are making up as you go along. Pretty clever of them, actually--

**--If only real life was like that. I dunno about you, but I'd like to automatically have an amazing singing voice, even if I was Backup Singer # 43 or something.--**

--Yeah, tell me about it. Now, if that's all the questions, I need to be going. This background music is starting to get on my nerves. And realistically, how long can you zoom around through the nighttime desert air in that skimpy little outfit before you get cold? They've been singing up there for an hour now. I'll see you when I get back.--

Ana shut her laptop and stuck it into her nondescript bag, ready to head back out of Agrabah and plot their next adventure.


End file.
